⇥ No apology needed

I always get a chuckle when my kids do something they’re not supposed to, then turn around and exclaim “but I’m sorry!” as if that were the end of a problem. They remind me of Homer’s cries of “It’s my first day!” in Simpson Tide.

While kids who have figured out that apologies, on their own, will get them out of a lot of tight corners are amusing, however, I can’t say the same of adults. Somewhere along their personal development, people are not being advised of the fact that apologizing for a mistake doesn’t fix it.

To tell you the truth, I am not a big fan of apologies in general. I find them completely superfluous—like sugar in your coffee, they’re just empty calories, put there to cover up the inadequateness of your beverage.

In fact, I think it’s fair to say that I don’t really understand apologies, don’t expect them, and don’t care for them.

As far as I’ve been able to tell, there are three types of scenarios that others feel warrant apologies:

  1. You failed through an act of fate. Even the best can’t take everything into account.
  2. You failed through incompetence within the most literal sense of the world: you omitted to take something in consideration you should have.
  3. You gained at my expense, albeit unintentionally. Life turned out the better for you, and you did nothing to stop it.

It’s obvious to me that #1 and #2 don’t need an apology. Of course you’re going to be sorry—the only circumstance in which you won’t is if you screwed up on purpose. So why bother?

As for #3, I’d much rather you were honest with me and gloated. I remember losing an office several years ago to a coworker whose only seniority claim was being better buddies with our mutual boss. Though, in his defence, he didn’t actively try to steal it from me, I took his apology with all the grace of a drunken elephant. He didn’t mean it. I knew he didn’t mean it. He knew that I knew that he didn’t mean it.

Besides, apologies imply the pre-emptive assumption of blame. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that blame can rarely, if ever, pinned on any one person. Useless.

What I prefer to see is people who take control of their mistakes and fix them. Not screwing up should be the preferred goal every time, but screwing up and fixing a mistake sounds tons better to me than screwing up and apologizing for it.